That moment when the ugly truth is shoved in your face and a whole new level of truth asides the shoved one dawns on you and you’re enlightened. If you get what I just wrote, then you can go on reading.
I have always hated myself. I had this deep loathing for myself that no one could remove. I never trusted anyone’s love, and I fled from relationships at the slightest ripple, believing it was best to leave before I get too attached and hurt. I would look at myself in my mirror and tell myself hateful things. I loved to wallow in self pity.
“You’re fat, so you’re ugly. Who cares if you have a pretty face? It’s not even that pretty.”
“You’re so pathetic.”
“You disgust me.”
There are days though, when I would show myself lots of love. I would see a big, beautiful person and my smile would look so much better. Every song I heard was just right. Every chapter I write seemed perfect. I could achieve anything.
But those days though, were like one in every twenty days or so. The rest were like a cloudy day. My negativity created a fog that blocked my vision… blocked my joy. I was depressed, and I often dragged people down with me if they got too close. I told myself I could never be good at anything, and any mistake I made was to me a sign that I would fail on the long run, rather than an avenue to learn and improve.
I got tired of this life, but it was the only one I knew. My reflection of myself affected the way people viewed me, and distorted the positive aura around me in throes, aching for me to embrace them into my lifestyle.
But I sat myself down one of those days I’m not wearing people down with my endless talking; the days I just sit on the chair with my head cocked to one angle, still and staring into space like I was petrified. I am usually silent on the outside in that state, but in my head I’m screaming and scolding.
Dear Darling that is me,
You are flawed like crazy, but it’s okay. This isn’t about whether or not the rest of the world is as flawed as you are, or have it better or worse than you are. This is about just you. The beauty that is you, the blessing that is you in the life of your loved one, the beauty that is the love that emanates from them. To think that you’re beautiful despite your flaws, instead of because of them is not okay. Broken crayons still color my love. Diamonds come from the ugly, dark but industrious resource coal, and marble from the boring looking but majorly acquired limestone. The ugly duckling was ugly because it compared itself to the other ducklings when it was in reality a baby swan. Until it aged it never realized it had been setting itself on the wrong course all the while.
You need to remember darling, that you have every capacity to improve yourself. You need to build your self confidence so that you can see yourself as what you really are. And you don’t even have to care about if the world notices, they have no choice but to see what you see when they look at you. So see yourself as what you were created as, richly blessed with more than you could ever acquire without God by your side. It’s okay to appreciate yourself, but it’s not okay to not work towards developing yourself.
Love my darling… Love. Love life, love those around you, love that special someone, and most of all, love yourself. Darling, it’s more than okay to be afraid. But it’s not okay to let yourselves be ruled by it. It cannot be avoided: people will hurt and disappoint you, but that shouldn’t stop you from loving. You don’t know who would hurt you, or when they would; but God knew that we are terrible on our own even before we were made, and still decided to send His son to die for us so we wouldn’t be so bad anymore. He knew how much our sin hurts Him, but he still made moves to show us how much He loves us nevertheless.
Smile. Your gums show when you do and you’ve got big teeth, but you love it that way. Smile even when it seems like there’s nothing to smile about. Smile because you can. Smile because you look a lot more beautiful when you do. You will look silly sometimes. You will slip and make lots of mistakes. It’s okay. What is not okay, is not learning from them, and choosing to justify them instead. Once you can lower your pride, you’ll go a lot farther than you’re going now.
Try, my love. Try. Never give up until you’ve tried. And when you try and fail at it, try again. Then when that fails, keep trying. Soon you’ll get what you want, or understand why it wasn’t meant to be. It’s okay to try, but it’s not okay to give up. Accepting it wasn’t meant to be though, doesn’t mean you gave up. If it isn’t it will be revealed to you in due time. Your dreams are within reach, even if they are to be made manifest in the next thousand years. Look at it this way: you’re not there yet because it’s not yet time for you to occupy the stage.
Life is short. It is the grace of God that you’re not dead yet. Never stop doing good as long as you’re given the opportunity to breathe. It’s okay if you’re not a 100% at being good, but it’s not okay to NOT be a good person.
Lots of Love,