There’s a thin line separating my negative and positive emotions.
There’s a side of me that is bubbly and chatty, with a weird sense of humor spurred from an overactive imagination. The side that is always feels glad to see things going good for others, always open about her areas of lack and always open to learn more. That side is eccentric and intelligent, not dependent on others but far from an island. That side of me strives to be better than I already am, but couldn’t care less about being the best.
It’s all about self-happiness, whether it comes from helping others or improving yourself.
Then I have another side of me that’s crazy.
It’s the side where my madness resides. It’s the evil side that’s always gloomy and withdrawn, with a snide pessimistic comment usually directed to things directly associated with me, like failing in my already made plans and aspirations. That side is always intimidated when things go good for others, not because of envy but it’s a reminder of the constant feeling of stagnation I can’t shake off, and I find myself always scared to try new things because I fear they won’t suit me. This side of me is very discouraged and bitter, always wishing to disappear or get away from others. It’s the side of me that feels I’ll never be good enough.
The problem is that I stand on that thin line, and I’m not gymnast or acrobat.
So I fall.
Occasionally on that good side, but most of the time I’ve found myself on the negative side, till it got to the point where I stopped trying to switched sides.
Then when I managed to get out of that bad, dark side… I’d rather stand on that impossible thin line instead of pushing myself into positivity.
Why you ask? Because I feel the euphoria that comes with the good side is nothing more than delusion. I feel that when I feel good I’m living a lie.
Why have I accepted negativity as my reality?
Only God can save me… but Heaven helps those who help themselves.