Okay so I haven’t written probed in quite a while (I can explain… work first) but I refuse to stay irrelevant! I decided to share with you a dark piece I wrote quite a while back. I hope you like it!!!
It’s a combination of poetry and prose that talks about being depressed over something you wish you were or weren’t, or wanting something you feel you can’t have so badly it drives you to the state of madness. But remember that sometimes what we are or aren’t may be the only thing that has saved us from ourselves… or even that side you envy isn’t always as rosy as you’re made to believe. I mean, who would have believed that Robin Williams (RIP) who lit our screens and hearts would commit suicide out of depression? It broke my heart, and it still does…
The mirror shows a bit of who I am
But in ways that are hard to describe
While it ought to display my physical features
It only projects a part of me.
When I look at the mirror-
It’s reflection not displaying what it should
It shows me something else
Something no other mirror could.
It shows a reflection of her-
A reflection of my alter ego:
With her long brown hair,
Her rosy skin and pink lips
And bright green eyes that seem to bore into my soul-
An image that sends shivers to my bones.
No one can see Olivia
For she is not really there
She’s merely a projection
Of everything I’ve always longed for
Just a reflection-
Of what I can never be.
The mirror is indeed a strange one-
Stranger than one can imagine.
It projects her sounds; as audible as if
She was standing next to me.
I can hear her cool, clear voice,
And her laughter that remains in my head
Even when we have to part.
I only smile when she does
And when we both touch the mirror-
I swear I feel her warmth.
But I know I’m just making things up
For Olivia is not real- she never was.
But I didn’t care about that. I pushed away my sanity just to find a sort of comfort that I couldn’t give myself. But I was a fool, for the relief that my aching heart desired ended as soon as I departed from the warmth of the mirror to the coldness of reality.
Olivia was my relief, but the mirror was my torture. The mirror was a barrier, a cold reminder that I could never be close to her. I could never do anything to prove how much I loved her. She haunted my dreams, and I fell deeper with each passing day.
One day I could not look her in the eye, and she asked me what was wrong.
I professed my love to her without a second thought. And for the first time, she didn’t put a smile on my face for she didn’t have a smile on hers.
She looked at me, her lips pressed in a thin line.
I should have given up at that moment. Olivia was beautiful, and I was nobody.
“I can never love you, for we are of two worlds.”
Tears rolled down my eyes as I resisted the urge to slam my fists on the glass. The mirror must not shatter; for I feared my heart would do the same. I stood there trembling visibly, choking on my tears and her eyes swept over my image, taking in my pathetic sight.
“Olivia love is never wrong.”
She bit her lip. It was one of her nervous habits; one of the reasons I got attracted to her.
“I think you should let me go.” she said in a cold voice.
She could have given me a hot slap at the moment and the pain inflicted would have been less than what I felt on hearing those words. I was in so much pain that I soon became numb.
So many emotions raced in my head and pounded against my heart, but none of them registered in my being. Tears welled up in my eyes slowly as she appeared oblivious to the way I was feeling, though it was quite obvious.
She shook her head, a non-verbal indication that I should stop speaking. Her wish was my command.
“I do not say this for my sake, but yours.”
On hearing this I begin to absorb all the emotions my heart had ignored all the while. The pain was unbearable, and soon it coursed through my veins in the form of anger.
“What do you mean this is for my sake? You’re my life!” I screamed at her.
“Without you…” I hang my head at this point. “I’m no better than a corpse.”
Olivia chuckled, and the sound sent a shiver down my spine. There was something different about it- something that seemed to generate fear in me. Olivia has always had the ability to radiate comfort with her actions in ways I could never explain. She never failed to expel every negative emotion in me. But this time her actions ironically reflected the sadness I seemed to be feeling (even though I knew she could never understand my pain- for she did not love me). It was as if she was absorbing my emotions and projecting them back at me.
I swallowed loudly, and the action seemed to hurt my throat. My chest felt constricted, and it was as if I couldn’t breathe. I started to tremble violently.
“Olivia… ” I said her name in a voice I could barely recognize as my own.
She smiled at me, but in a sinister way that could only be identified on the face of a psychotic murderer who has a helpless victim in his mercy.
I clutched my chest as I spoke, my eyes pleading as I make a second attempt at expressing my feelings. “You’re the one that keeps me from going insane.”
“Did you say I keep you sane?” She asked haughtily, fixing her cold green eyes at me.
I nodded like an idiot, stupefied by the way her features seemed to distort into something dark and evil.
Just as my feelings had been projected in the mirror to form the lady I had grown to love, the mirror had projected my fear and uncertainty and transformed Olivia right before my very eyes. I fought aside this uncertainty and reached for the last ounce of courage in me. Maybe Olivia didn’t want me because of how pathetic I make myself to her. She would want someone bold and brave- something I wasn’t, but I could learn to be.
Just as I had embraced that resolve her rosy skin began to grow pale, and her features appeared rather gaunt.Her lips became blue and chapped, her full healthy hair began to fall off and I could see her scalp clearly from what was left. Her green eyes became dull and clouded, and her entire figure began to shrivel and shrink.
I was frozen on the spot; fear and shock overwhelming me.
But the worst was yet to come.
She bit her lips, and it drew blood.
I almost winced at the sight.
How can an action take a massive turn from attraction to repulsion all at once?
Well blood was an element that could make that a possibility.
She looked at her features and screamed-
An evil piercing scream that would have made me faint if I had been in control of my senses. But at that moment I didn’t do anything, because I was still frozen. I just stared at her, amazed and at the same time appalled by her transformation.
“Look at me” she said in a cold raspy voice.
I frowned at her statement- I had not taken my eyes off her since (and I wasn’t like I was enjoying the view, I just couldn’t ).
“Are you happy now?”
I did not understand why she was blaming me. I had nothing to do with what was happening.
I began to find my voice at last.
She began to cry, and blood streamed from her eyes. But even as the tears flowed, her mouth curved into an evil smile.
“You wanted me- and so you shall have me.”
“No…” I said in a voice barely above a whisper.
“Oh… you do not love me anymore?” she said in a taunting voice.
Tears filled my eyes.
I didn’t love Olivia anymore, and surprisingly it wasn’t just about the change. It was because it began to dawn on me that Olivia wasn’t the person who I thought her to be- kind, warm and loving. Instead she was full on deception, and selfishness.
It was also about what she had said to me.
When she was beautiful, she claimed we were of two worlds- and that we could never be together.
Now she was desperate for a lover, and she intended to force herself on me; for she knew she no longer had a chance with another in her present state.
It sickened me to no end to know that she was like the rest.
And all this while I thought she was different.
If Olivia had returned my love, I would have followed her freely.
I would have agreed to a life of danger.
She knew that as long as I craved for her, I would be depressed, insecure and needy- and she could feed off that and be beautiful and healthy, while I sink lower in depression… until there’s nothing left of my sanity.
When I think about it now, I realize that the longing I felt for her drove me into a state of depression whenever I leave the mirror.
And she was always more beautiful when I went to her again.
Wow…. I felt very worthless at that moment. I was reduced to nothing but common feed.
Immediately the thought popped in my head, I noticed that a little more life returned to her hand.
That confirmed my suspicions… and my fears.
She was surprised at this. Then she realized what was fueling her up, and she tried that resort.
“You’re pathetic… you know that?” she says, wearing a sly grin.
“I’m not…” I say through gritted teeth; trembling slightly.
“But you are…” she said, her teasing voice holding as much effort as a sharp razor slashed across the wrist. “Loving a mere reflection… because you know you’re not capable of -”
“I do not love you anymore” I said, cutting her short as the tears that welled up in my eyes obscured my vision, giving me a moment’s break from her appalling sight before they ran down my face.
“Do you think I care about that?” she snapped her knuckles, making a cracking sound as she balled her hands into fists.
“This is all your fault… so you can’t leave me like this”
“Did you just say this is my fault?” I asked angrily.
“I don’t see how it isn’t.” she said with a sneer, exposing a pair of blackened teeth. “It’s your fault I’m like this- and you’d have to make amends, whether you like it or not.”
I stared at the figure that seemed to be disintegrating with every second.
What did she mean by that? How on earth was I supposed to make amends?
Even if I could, I don’t think I would- she didn’t deserve it; and besides I wasn’t at fault, no matter what she said.
As if to answer my question she stretched forth her hand, and I gasped in fear and surprise as her gnarled, twisted hands passed through the mirror.
“I cannot survive in your world.” she said, her face twisted into an evil sadistic grin.
“But then again, neither can you.”
I immediately understood what she was talking about. She planned to take my life permanently to create one for herself.
Both her arms were already out of the mirror, but she dared not bring her whole body out for she wouldn’t be able to return aback into the mirror. And we both knew by now that crossing into another world had fatal consequences.
I took advantage of that limitation and moved backwards, not taking my eyes of her as I made myself out of reach.
Suddenly my leg bumped into something. It was a small three legged stool I sometimes sat on when I talked to Olivia. I didn’t even remember it was there until now.
She looked at me and withdrew her arms, her eyes widening in fear as I picked up the chair. Gripping it tightly with both hands, I ran to the mirror, with the intention of doing what I needed to before she faded off.
“Goodbye Olivia.” I said, my voice shaking as I slammed the chair into the mirror.
The mirror shattered into thousands of shards; covering me as Olivia’s blood curdling scream rippled through the room, sending me hurling across the room with the wall breaking my fall.
Before I blacked out, I saw the shards had disappeared, leaving only the gold colored frame that once held the full length mirror.
So that was how Olivia finally faded from my sight.
But never from my mind.
Picture Credit: “Once Upon a Time” by Luis Delgado
P.S: If you think I’m a good writer, then please support me by voting for my upcoming novel “Bounds” via Something Or the Other Publishing (if you haven’t already…. and for those who have, God bless you!!!). I have two sample chapters up if you’d like to read, and a third coming up real soon. Just click here: