One More Try

I’m going help people and do great things.

I’m going to look great and have flawless skin.

Our brand is going to have awesome outlets and make crazy money

I’m going to get a new phone

I’m going to be a famous writer.

I’m going to stop being insecure.

 

I’m going to do all these things one day… maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week.

Maybe ten years.

I really want to do it tomorrow. All these things. I want to do them right now.

But more than procrastination, I’m scared.

 

When I saw that image I featured, it made me wonder “If I had this book, I probably would have dealt with things better “. Hahaha who knows.

A book would have helped.

Ever since I was a teenager I have always been so hard on myself and it makes it so hard to enjoy life. I never find myself feeling like I’m good at anything, even Christianity. But because I’m not as good as I want, not as interesting as i would like to be, or have as many followers as I would like… or as devoted in Christianity as I should be… I trample on myself constantly.

Do you ever feel not good enough? Do you ever trample on yourself for not being not good enough?

I feel a change coming… a change that doesn’t seem like would be possible anytime soon.

But who cares? Who cares if I do not get it right tomorrow?

The most important thing is to make an effort. Start.

Crawl till I learn to walk. Pick myself up when I stumble.

And one day, I’ll probably not even remember the day I started to walk…

Cause I’ll be too busy running.

Just wait and see.

 

Oh Yeah!!!

Could you be a darling and vote for my upcoming novel?

“Bounds” is a fantasy fiction that opens our mind to the beauty of breaking out of the mold life puts us in… like a caterpillar. 

But the story is not about a caterpillar. You can check chapters one and two if you don’t believe me. Haha.

Please vote HEREThanks!!!

 

 

 

 

 

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The New Endolyte

A NEW ENDOLYTE

 

I stared intently at the single drop of blood resting at the tip of her finger. My pupils dilated at the sight and my head moved weakly towards the direction of her finger as she waved it back and forth in front of my face. I wanted it. I needed it.

My throat was dry, and I clawed at it, only hurting myself more as my nails tore up my skin. She had explained to me that it would take a full day for my body to harden into the leather hard feature it ought to possess. I had just begun to transform this morning, so at the moment I looked like a humanoid that had been stripped of his outer layer of skin.

I was shriveling up though… unless someone of my kind could supply me with their blood. There were a number of unknown consequences involved with sharing your blood with a newly formed Endolyte. The consequences varied with individuals, but none of them were known to me.

I put her finger to my lips; that single drop producing numerous flavors that exploded my taste buds. I couldn’t stop myself from drawing more blood from her finger. When I finally heard her gasp I turned to her, only to see her eyes rolling to the back of her head. She was letting out small sounds as if in ecstasy. I didn’t know whether to stop or continue, but when I finally let go I dropped to the bed wearily. Drawing up her blood took up the last of my strength, with the warmth of the beautiful violet fluid spread all over my body in the form of a tingling sensation.

As I fell into a deep slumber I heard her say, “We are one now. If I die, you die. If you die… I’ll die too.”

Thin Line

There’s a thin line separating my negative and positive emotions.

There’s a side of me that is bubbly and chatty, with a weird sense of humor spurred from an overactive imagination. The side that is always feels glad to see things going good for others, always open about her areas of lack and always open to learn more. That side is eccentric and intelligent, not dependent on others but far from an island. That side of me strives to be better than I already am, but couldn’t care less about being the best.

It’s all about self-happiness, whether it comes from helping others or improving yourself.

 

Then I have another side of me that’s crazy.

It’s the side where my madness resides. It’s the evil side that’s always gloomy and withdrawn, with a snide pessimistic comment usually directed to things directly associated with me, like failing in my already made plans and aspirations. That side is always intimidated when things go good for others, not because of envy but it’s a reminder of the constant feeling of stagnation I can’t shake off, and I find myself always scared to try new things because I fear they won’t suit me. This side of me is very discouraged and bitter, always wishing to disappear or get away from others. It’s the side of me that feels I’ll never be good enough.

 

The problem is that I stand on that thin line, and I’m not gymnast or acrobat.

So I fall.

Occasionally on that good side, but most of the time I’ve found myself on the negative side, till it got to the point where I stopped trying to switched sides.

Then when I managed to get out of that bad, dark side… I’d rather stand on that impossible thin line instead of pushing myself into positivity.

Why you ask? Because I feel the euphoria that comes with the good side is nothing more than delusion. I feel that when I feel good I’m living a lie.

Why have I accepted negativity as my reality?

Only God can save me… but Heaven helps those who help themselves.

 

Insecure

I battle with insecurities a lot. Sometimes I’m so high up there- feeling higher than the world… Invinsible, if u will permit me to say.
Then I crash… Lower than the centre of the earth.

I find myself feeling like the best person on earth… Then like the worse person that ever existed.
I have tried so many things to help me love myself, but It seems like the only thing I’m good at is insulting myself.

But I know my worth… But I never believe in it most of the time.
I’m trying to change.

My insecurities make me hate myself. It makes me please others at my own expense. It makes people take me for granted. It stops me from having fun. It makes me hate my existence. It makes me annoy my best friends and close friends with my paranoia. It hinders possible relationships.
It ruins everything.
Because I let it.